Two and a half years ago we lost our mother, Nancy Frykman, on February 11, 2020. She nearly made it to her 80th birthday. The night before she passed Leisa and I were at her side at Memorial Hospital. I'd flown in the day before. Mom lay connected to equipment that helped her breathe. Her eyes where closed but moved searchingly under her lids, and I like to think she was starting her journey.
Outside her hospital room the critical care floor it was dim and quiet as Leisa and I sang show tunes in imperfect harmony, reliving a favorite family tradition. Sing out Louise!
In the months that followed mom's passing, as the pandemic deaths rose, and many were unable to accompany sick family or to be accompanied in hospital, I realized how fortunate we've been - that Mom had been - that we had been able to be with her that night, that Leisa had been able to be with her every day and that her grandchildren had visited with her. I learned that the comforting rituals of end of life connection that we humans crave - are gifts that ought not be taken for granted.
Nancy's health had been compromised by autoimmune and respiratory illness for decades. Pain was a constant companion, but mom did not complain. Instead, Nancy was (at times frustratingly) willful about living her life as she wanted and forging ahead to satisfy her ceaseless curiosity, love of the arts, interest in friends and desire to be with her loved ones. If she could not manage it, she happily employed others to be her hands and legs.
Mom gave a lot of her life to her friends, work and activities, and it was hard to see that as she lost sight in one eye, lost her balance and was unable to move without help and a chair, that her world became so small. Yet she was grateful for all she did have - living in her own snug home with people that loved her and cared for her. She seemed to be improving strength by January of 2020, when she celebrated Leisa's birthday with the Machado family.
In retrospect, I know now that Mom could never have survived the pandemic. Her body was too weak to support her splendid ferocious spirit.
Her last two weeks were a classic textbook case in the rapid progression and symptoms of the coronavirus. A few weeks later she passed, the world went into lockdown.
Nancy would have been so interested in all that happened since she passed. (Actually she would have really distressed so it’s better that she is watching the show at a distance.) Undoubtedly in between considered observations, she is making pithy remarks and impassioned speeches about the state of the world.
Grieving the loss of our mother without a formal ceremony to mark it - has been many things - difficult, lonely, necessary, tender and private. It has been shared only with my sister to any degree, and that mostly long distance.
Nancy loved celebrations. In fact she delightedly planned her own memorial and reception several years in advance. It has been delayed several times due to acts of God. But this time, we agreed - it is set. April 4, 2023.
Leisa and I are so grateful that we can finally honor her wishes. It will be in spring, her birthday season and who ever can comes, comes. We will be there.
Laura Lanza